


Sherlock chooses himself

by thewallflower07



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Dialogue Heavy, John is a Bit Not Good, John is a Mess, No-Parentlock, Not A Fix-It, One-Shot, Post-Season/Series 04 AU, Sherlock Holmes Has Feelings, Sherlock Holmes Loves John Watson, Sherlock is a Mess, TFP Does Not Exist, post-tld
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 03:06:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15476259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewallflower07/pseuds/thewallflower07
Summary: Sherlock is a physical and emotional mess after John beats him bloody during the Culverton Smith case. He visits his therapist, who tells him to be selfish for the first time in his life. When John appears with his daughter and asks him to move back, Sherlock has to make a very difficult decision.





	Sherlock chooses himself

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to hurt.

"I want you to choose yourself. I want you to be selfish."

"That is ridiculous. People always tell me to be a better person, to be less self-absorbed, to be more nice."

"We both know you will never be nice, but that is not the point."

"What is it then?"

"You are already a good man, Sherlock."

"I am really not."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because all I ever do is hurt people. So many people died in Moriarty's game because I wasn't fast or smart enough. I jumped from a roof and faked my death and let my best friend grief me almost to his own grave for two years. I killed a man, frankly, he kind of deserved it. It's my fault that Mary died. I provoked her murderer, and she shot Mary. I threw myself into the drugs, again. It's my fault that Rosie will grow up without a mother. It is my fault that John is broken. I destroyed this magnificent and strong human being with my own selfish actions."

There was a long moment of silence, where they both pretended not to notice the single tear rolling down Sherlock's face.

"I want you to listen to me very closely now, because I am going to tell you what someone should have told you a long time ago."

"On the first day of your meeting, you cured John Watson of his psychosomatic limp. You gave him a home, a purpose, and a social circle. You solved cases and brought justice to dozens of victims and their loved ones. You were fighting against a madman, and you still soldiered on."

"I had  _fun_ at first."

"After Moriarty threatened John in that pool, the fun stopped, didn't it?"

"Of course. I could never sacrifice John."

"You jumped off a building to protect your three best friend."

"I should have told John. Everything would have been different."

"You didn't want to get him into more danger, right?"

"I never anticipated he would mourn me that much. I thought he would move on. I never believed his moving on would hurt so much."

"You were two years on the run, alone, without friends, support, or home."

"I was being clever."

"You suffered."

"I thought it would be easy."

"You were tortured for four days in Serbia. They chained you up, beat you, deprived you of sleep. And yet, you didn't tell them anything. You came back to your friends."

"I should have done the reunion differently."

"Probably. You still caught the terrorists, though."

"John forgave me. It was a miracle."

"Then, you planned their wedding. You wrote a beautiful best man speech, organized a fun stag night, taught John how to dance, and played the violin for them."

"I was just being a good friend."

"What you did was extraordinary."

"It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I left early and immediately shot up."

"You are an recovering addict and were in extreme pain. It's understandable."

"I faked a relationship and later a proposal to Janine just to break into an office."

"She earned a lot of money with the news articles, and you are still in friendly terms with her."

"She is quite funny."

"Mary shot you."

"She did it to keep herself safe."

She was a murderous assassin, never apologized and never showed remorse."

"She wanted to keep John. I can understand that."

"Not like that. Her love for him was selfish."

"Like mine."

"No, it's not the same. You want him to be happy, to be free to make his own choices. She just wanted to keep him. She abandoned her newborn daughter and her husband to run away, like that would solve anything. She jumped in front of the bullet to ensure that John would hate you. She knew her marriage was doomed, and in her last action she did everything to make sure that John could not choose you."

"I think that is quite an interpretation."

"He wrote you that awful letter and couldn't even hand it to you himself. He threw you right back into the arms of drugs."

"He was grieving and with a child. He didn't need me to take care of too."

"It's grieving doesn't excuse him beating you into a bloody pulp."

"I provoked him."

"You were on drugs, dying."

"I threatened to attack Culverton."

"Just disarming you would have been enough. But he lost control."

"I made you angry."

"He punched and kicked you multiple times."

"I killed his wife. He was entitled."

"He could have killed you."

"It was my fault."

"What if had not been stopped?"

"I don't know."

"You would have let him kill you. How would that have helped?"

"Mycroft should have let me go on that secret mission. Then this whole mess wouldn't have happened."

"You tried to overdose on that plane."

"Yes, I did."

"You tried to commit suicide."

"I failed to kill myself. Looks like I could not even do that right."

"Sherlock."

"I wish John would have continued. It would have been kinder."

"Sherlock. You are talking like a victim of an abuser who tries to apologize for his horrendous actions."

"I am not a victim."

"Maybe you will be soon, if you don't stop."

"I love him."

"He beat you."

"I will protect him and Rosie until my dying breath, whatever he thinks of me."

"He beat you."

"I don't know what to do. How can I fix it?"

"I want you to be selfish. I want you to stand up for yourself, I want you to get healthy.You sacrificed yourself so many times. You deserve it."

"What can I do?"

"Choose yourself."

...

"Next meeting on Wednesday?"

"Okay. I will be here."

 

__

* * *

 

 

_At 221b Baker Street, two days later_

 

 

John is standing before him, with the giggling Rosie in his arms. They greet each other and John puts Rosie down on the carpet. Then he sits down in his red chair, puts his hands together and looks at him.

"I have to ask you something."

_Oh._

Sherlock stops fiddling with his cuffs of his black suit. He doesn't know what to expect. 

 

"I thought long and hard about it, but I have made my decision. I want to move back in here, together with Rosie."

 

_Oh._

_The cut over his eyebrow still itches. Molly told him there will be a small scar. She asked him who did this to him, and he couldn't answer. So he lied._

 

"Our flat is too big, and I want to change the clinic too. I can't go back there, not after... what happened. I think I found a new one, not far from here."

 

_Do you want to move back in because you want to, or just because there is no better alternative?_

 

"It would also better for Rosie, I think. Of course, the room upstairs is a bit too small for two, but it will work for a while. We could go back on cases too, and Mrs Hudson or Molly can look after Rosie when we are busy..."

 

_Molly has a job and a private life. She can't act as a babysitter. Mrs. Hudson is nearly 80 years old, she won't be able to care after a toddler, especially not at night._

 

 _"..._ we could meet up with Lestrade for a pint..."

 

_Lestrade is the only one of our friends who knows what happened in that_ _morgue. He told me that if you ever hurt me again, he will personally put you behind bars._

 

"...of course, we will have to cut back on the dangerous cases. No rooftop chases or gun fights, nothing to risky."

 

_All cases are unpredictable. How would we know how the case processes? There will always be risks._

 

 _"_ We need rules for the flat too. No body parts in the fridge, no experiments, no violin at night, no shooting the walls."

 

_But that is how I am. Of course, Rosie needs her sleep. I will have to cut back on myself, change a lot. Do I want that?_

_Would it be fair, for me?_

 

"I really believed it would work, Sherlock. You and me, on cases again."

 

_Are we still a 'we', John? Rosie would always be in danger because of the work. Someone could kidnapp her, or blow up the flat. She would never be safe. Can we risk that?_

_Did you ever want to be a father?_

_Do I want to be a father?_

 

"It would be only temporary, anyway. I do think I will be ready to date again, not right away, but in a while. Rosie needs a mother, after all. You will have us out of your hair soon enough."

 

John smiles a Rosie, who rolls her around on the carpet. He waits for his answer. He seems sure it will be a 'yes'.

 

_"I want you to choose yourself. I want you to be selfish."_

_It still hurt when he breathed to deeply. There were a few cuts on John's hands._

_Could he do it? He never wanted anything more than John living with him again. It was the best time of his life._

_Maybe John was right, it could work._

_But what if it won't? Would he survive the next explosion? He still doesn't trust himself to protect himself, should John get angry again._

_Would John react like that again? Maybe not, but what if?_

__"I want you to choose yourself. I want you to be selfish."_ _

_Sherlock had always been good with children, but he never really wanted to live with one. Of course, he loved Rosie, how could he not, but he wasn't a father. He didn't want to be a father. He loved doing his experiments, they were essential for his work, he had trouble sleeping and eats irregularly and chases criminals and sometimes they shoot back at him and it never bothered him. It never bothered John either, but now he is a dad and has to make different priorities. Rosie would never be safe here._

_It could never be the same._

_John wants to date again, someday. A new Mrs. Watson. A nice flat in the suburbs with a white fence. Maybe another child._

__"I want you to choose yourself. I want you to be selfish."_ _

__John would never be able to choose him. He chose Mary, he chose to write that letter, he chose to beat him up._ _

__He has to live with his own choices._ _

__So why should Sherlock choose him anymore?_ _

 

_He thinks of how he couldn't tell Molly who beat him. He thinks of the bruises on his ribs, of his bleeding lip, of his aching heart._

 

"No, I don't want you to move back in here."

 

John's mouth opened in shock, his eyes widened. 

After a moment, he squares his shoulders and pulls himself back together.

 

"I don't understand. I thought this is what you wanted."

 

"I want it."

 

"Then why won't you let me?"

John suddenly looked angry: "Is it because of Rosie?"

 

"A bit, yes. She would never be safe with us here, with the work. She will always be in danger."

 

"We can work around that. Mrs. Hudson..."

 

"Is not our convenient babysitter, John! She will be 80 next month. It wouldn't be fair."

 

"Okay, so, no cases then."

 

"You will be bored. I will be bored. I don't want to give up my work or my experiments." 

 

"So you are not willing to change for her?"

 

"John. It's a nice dream, a wonderful imagination. But it can't work. It wouldn't be us."

 

John gets up, pushes the chair a bit backwards, and Sherlock  _flinches._ He can't stop it, he is reacting to John's movement.

There is a sudden clarity in John's face, and he looks very ashamed. 

 

"I understand."

 

John picks up Rosie and they leave.

 

 

_Sherlock is left reeling with his decision. Seeing John Watson go shakes him to his core. Sherlock is disgusted with himself, but he also believes he made the right decision, for everyone involved. Now, they just have to adjust to it._

_He is uncertain about his and John's and Rosie's future. He will have to talk with Ella about that on Wednesday._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if it's a happy or a sad ending, but it's the only possible ending I can imagine after the horrible mess Mofftiss left us with. 
> 
> I don't like parentlock, I think it would be unfair to both of them, dangerous for the baby and impossible to work out.   
> I know I wasn't nice to John Watson. But for me, this isn't John Watson anymore. John would never hurt Sherlock, would never choose anyone over him. John became an abuser in Season 4, and Sherlock his victim, unable to stand up for himself.  
> In canon they still don't live together, and I fear that they will probably marry John off again and maybe even pair Sherlock up with some random woman in the unlikely looking Season 5. 
> 
> Sherlock's and John's future is left deliberately open in my fic. Maybe John works on his issues, maybe not. Maybe he manages to finally choose Sherlock, maybe not. 
> 
> I want Sherlock to be safe, to stand up for himself, to be free. I can't imagine that with THIS John Watson.


End file.
